If i could go back to when i was pregnant with my first and write The Mighty List of Commandments By Which I Will Accomplish Supreme Parental Superiority Above All Who Have Gone Before Me…..
you know… that list you made in your head before you had kids about how you’re going to do things differently and somehow achieve some level of supreme connectivity with your child that transcends the average level of connection achieved by mere mortal parents and their children-
YOU KNOW that list- the one that includes things like :
MY CHILD WILL ONLY CONSUME THE PURE UNFILTERED HOLYMOTHERWATER THAT FLOWETH FROM MY BREASTESES UNTIL MY CHILD SUBMITS A LETTER OF REQUEST- IN HIS OR HER OWN HAND- FOR ORGANIC AVOCADO, MASHED BY MY OWN TOES, TO ACCOMPANY THE NECTAR OF MY TA-TAS.
MY CHILD WILL ONLY PLAY WITH WOODEN TOYS. AND THE WOOD SAID TOYS ARE HAND CARVED FROM MUST NOT COME FROM A TREE FELLED BY MAN’S HAND- NO- BUT ONE WHO BOWED TO THE EARTH, WILLINGLY, WHILE A COVEN OF GREY-HAIRED WICCAN WOMEN CHANTED ANCIENT AND VERY CREEPY CHANTS OF GRATITUDE WHILE HOLDING HANDS, SQUATTING, AND SIMULTAINOUSLY MENSTRUATING ON THE SOIL AT THE BASE OF THE FALLEN HERO TREE FOR TO NOURISH THE SOIL SO THAT FUTURE TREES MIGHT THRIVE.
and oh how the list could go AAAWN-NEE-NON-NEE-NON (steve perry style).
public school? NEVER!
television? ONLY PBS! AND ONLY RARELY!
candy? fast food? little debbies????? FRANKLY, I’M OFFENDED YOU’D EVEN SUGGEST!!!!!
i wish that i’d written this list down- because when i can’t seem to conquer my insurmountable to-do lists these days, it’d sure be nice to have a list it would be easy to cross things off of. whilst laughing a boarderline crazy-lady laugh no doubt.
ha. ha. ha.
i thought i had scratched every annoying dandruffy flake of Overachieving Parental Inferiority Complex (OPIC) outta my hair by now.
the kids are in public school. they eat candy and cool ranch doritos. in fact, they sit on the couch, and play completely sedentary video games (yeah- i let the wii in the house under the guise of ‘active and interactive screen time’- who was i foolin’? me. thazzall.) while eating candy and cool ranch doritos and avoiding public school worksheets.
but it turns out there was a lurking OPIC trigger that i’d yet to circumnavigate. and this halloween brought it ‘to my mindful attention for processing and integration blah blah blah annoying lessons learned yadda process blah blah’.
wait for it…..
the second born is wearing a completely store bought halloween costume. the first one either kid has worn since i became a highly neurotic and insecure parent over 12 years ago.
i know there was SOMETHING on The Mighty List Of Commandments about homemade halloween costumes. I’m certain of it.
and it had to do with LINEAGE! and INTEGRITY! and ANTICONSUMERISM! and CREATIVITY!
and it had NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH EGO AND INSECURITY!
(note: this is not an anti-homemade halloween costume rant. like, AT ALL at all. the eldest let me collaborate and help bedeck her out in fully thrifted and handmade glory. this is more about what i was resisting by dogmatically holding onto some redonkulous belief that store bought costumes were me letting my children down…. and perhaps me struggling to maintain my role in my village as a creative planner-aheader.)
But right now all i know is that my tiny boy- the one who comes home crying at least once a week from school because he feels like he doesn’t know how to connect with other kids, my boy who is terrified of halloween and who is THRILLED tomorrow is halloween not because of candy, (and he’s candy obsessed-) but because it means that the day after tomorrow all the decorations come down and the neighborhood returns to it’s normal, relatively safe, utterly familiar self…
my tiny boy went to bed wearing his store bought halloween costume (he’s barely taken it off since we found it several days ago). with a GIANT smile on his face and feeling at home in this world.
and who’s my smallest-third-grader-at-zilker-elementary going to be this year? who does he utterly embody when bedecked?
why, The Hulk, of course.
My Tiny Happy Hulk.
if it’s a $3 thrift store commercial halloween costume that makes this kid feel like he can SMASH!!!! then who the hell am i to shove my stuff all up in that and deny??? who, i ask you?
no seriously. i’m asking.